As soon as Upon A Time…
…there was a boy named Jack:
…who used a variety of sunblock.
Jack lived together with his mom in “The Hovel by the Phallic Fountain.”
The hovel wanted a brand new roof, however Jack and his mom had no cash.
So that they determined to promote their solely cow, Boxy.
(Look, I do not know what it’s, both, however this story goes to maneuver alongside lots higher if we are able to all simply agree it is a cow, OK? Moo.)
On the best way to the market, although, Jack met:
…the Approach Stuffed Cellulite Man.
Mr. Approach Stuffed satisfied Jack to commerce him the “cow” for a tray of tragic spleens.
(Certain, they appear pleased now, however that is solely as a result of they do not acknowledge my masterful use of foreshadowing.)
Jack’s mom was furious when he can dwelling with the spleens, and made Jack give them a correct burial.
(See? Tragic.)
After a depressing night time with no supper, Jack woke as much as see a flowing vine the place he’d buried the spleens:
Flows like a river.
The Tragic Spleenstalk reached all the best way to the clouds. As Jack stood gaping, all of a sudden the Faceless Fairy appeared!
“Jack, climb the spleenstalk to discover a magic hen who lays golden eggs!” she projected telepathically.
(She does not have a mouth. Attempt to sustain.)
“However beware the ogre who guards the hen!”
So Jack climbed the spleenstalk, and there was the hen:
In a festive knit straitjacket.
Jack had simply grabbed the fowl when he heard a roar!
It was the ogre, Oh’Duh!
“Take the fowl not you’ll!” Oh’Duh screeched.
Jack shortly fled down the spleenstalk, the place his mom was ready with a dump truck and a large load:
…of filth.
Earlier than the ogre might comply with, they knocked over the spleenstalk and buried it, trapping Oh’Duh in his cloud metropolis.
With the cash they created from the golden eggs, Jack and his mom have been capable of construct a model new dwelling by the Phallic Fountain, full with matching turrets.
(These two actually know the right way to use their heads.)
They usually all lived fortunately ever after.
Nicely, OK, possibly not ALL of them.
Because of Amy, Giopi, Sarah J., Graham Ok., Sara E., moxie, Jenni Q., Shannon C., Becky C., Flowe L., Dani S., and Daniel C. for the fairy fail ending.
*****
I at all times like twisted fairy tails instructed from the villain’s perspective, and this model – as instructed by the enormous! – has rave evaluations:
Belief Me, Jack’s Beanstalk Stinks!
The Story of Jack and the Beanstalk as Advised by the Large
Solely $7, too, if you would like so as to add it to your children’ library.
*****
And from my different weblog, Epbot:
