[Editor’s Note: Please enjoy this guest review by Malcolm Bedell. He drives a van and writes about stupid food on his website, Spork & Barrel. He’s getting too old for this sh*t.]
I’m certifiably loopy about pickles. That’s proper, I stated it. Once I was a bit of child, my mother would catch me sneaking lengthy pulls off the bottle of pickling liquid left within the backside of the jar, the inexperienced brine rolling down my chin as I closed my eyes to savor each drop like a dry drunk who’s lastly been reunited with Tanqueray. Once I started looking for my very own groceries, a jar of pickles dipped in bitter cream made an excellent last-minute sodium-rich dinner, and in my twenties, I had multiple Friday night time fueled by the rocket gasoline mixture of pictures of whiskey adopted by pictures of pickle juice (what we in New England name a “pickleback”).
Pickle credentials established, I’ve to make yet one more instant confession. I don’t like these “Pickle Juice Sport” pictures, marketed as a well being (?) and anti-cramping (??) product, by an organization known as, “The Pickle Juice Firm, LLC.” However as a result of I’m each a lover of pickle juice AND a sucker for something that may alter my mind chemistry, conveniently bought in a two ounce portion subsequent to the scratch-off tickets and the expired Butterfingers, I knew instantly that I needed to give them a attempt. From the web site:
“A brand new research has revealed that pickle brine could be more practical than sports activities drinks at treating muscle cramps, confirming a longstanding assumption within the sports activities world. Soccer gamers, cyclists and triathletes have been sipping dill-flavored drinks, together with bottles of The Pickle Juice Firm, LLC, for years. Those that downed the brine stopped complaining of cramping inside 85 seconds — about 37 % quicker than the water drinkers and 45 % quicker than after they didn’t drink something in any respect.”
Now, let’s be clear. I’m…not an athlete. In actual fact, I’m not even certain I noticed that “cramping” was one thing your muscle tissue might do. I’ve been laboring beneath the belief that muscle tissue have been simply these stringy bits holding my bones collectively; I’ve by no means requested an excessive amount of of them, and so they’ve actually by no means supplied me something in return. So I can’t converse to the doubtful quasi-medical claims being made by The Pickle Juice Firm, LLC, and am not going to waste any of the dear time I’ve to spend considering up dick jokes for the web to observe up on any of their printed “analysis.”
I can, nevertheless, converse to the style of the product.
The very first thing I seen is that “Pickle Juice Sport” is saved (and presumably meant to be served) at room temperature. The web site claims that it carries an prolonged shelf lifetime of as much as two years, and is so assured that you simply’ll need to have a ton of the stuff round that they’ll promote you a plastic 55 gallon drum of Pickle Juice Sport for $500. When you haven’t had the pleasure of chugging 2.5 ounces of heat, shelf-stable pickle juice currently, I’ll attempt to paint you a phrase image.
Think about brining the least attention-grabbing, least flavorful pickle you’ve ever tried in a grimy fishbowl stuffed with tepid aquarium water in a single day, and consuming the outcomes. That’s Pickle Juice Sport. Think about blasting a fog of pickle vapor by means of a automobile’s malfunctioning Freon air-con system, and inhaling no matter comes by means of the vents of your ’02 Subaru. That’s Pickle Juice Sport. Think about the feeling of by chance biting down on a bit of aluminum foil with one in every of your half-broken fillings whereas an historic Polish lady rubs her generations-old household recipe for garlic dills throughout your snout. Oh, and you’ve got the flu. That’s Pickle Juice Sport.
It’s received the essential define of very delicate pickle taste, with what looks like some type of wildly out of whack pH, in order that as a substitute of the acid you’re anticipating from pickle juice, it finally ends up nearly chalky, though the liquid itself isn’t thick; one thing like synthetic pickle flavoring combined with the style of outdated silverware carried in a base of heat unflavored Pedialyte.
I can’t think about chugging one in every of these after any type of intense athletic endeavor (which is to say, I can’t think about performing any type of intense athletic endeavor within the first place). There’s actually nothing about chugging free pickle water that’s the identical temperature as the within of your physique that appears “refreshing” and even “nice” on any stage. And I can’t say I seen any improve in my vitality ranges, or actually any sensation in any respect aside from the slight urge to blow sizzling pickle juice all around the inside my automobile’s upholstery. And at $2 per bottle, I can’t think about favoring one in every of these over, say, an ice-cold Gatorade, since these additionally promise to rehydrate and replenish electrolytes whereas additionally by some means tasting like Tropical Mango mixed with Pure Magic.
As a lot as I really like pickle juice AND not having cramps, “Pickle Juice Sport” goes to be a tough go for me. Triathletes could discover one thing to love within the product’s alleged muscle rejuvenation properties, however for these of us simply making an attempt to catch a authorized buzz off a vial of one thing or different bought at a fuel station? We’ll keep on with the dusty bottles of Pomegranate 5 Hour Power and Further Energy Stacker 3. Y’know, like adults.
Pickle Juice Sport Further Energy Pictures
- Rating: 1 out of 5 aggressive Polish grannies
- Worth: $1.99
- Measurement: 2.5 oz. bottle
- Bought at: The Shell station down beneath the freeway overpass.
- Cramping: None.
